i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
