Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
