I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize