she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
