He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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