smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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