You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
