I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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