if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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