My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
we should paint friendship bongs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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