I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
