Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize