im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
