Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
