Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize