It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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