How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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