You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
