I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
