I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
