Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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