My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
