sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
