theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
