yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
