the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
