i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
