you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
