If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
