I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
