i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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