Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
