When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
