I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
