I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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