best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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