She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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