How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
