I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
