I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
