I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
