I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
