i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
