i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
