I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
