she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
