You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
