tell your sister to shave her snatch
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
