i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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