i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
