Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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