I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
