My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
