you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
