If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
