i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
