I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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