I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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