Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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