Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
