I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I need a burrito and a hug.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
