I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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