I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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