omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
