You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
