you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
try to milk me bitch
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