He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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