after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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