I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
