Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
