its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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