im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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