I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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