My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
